The Power of Boundaries: Setting Limits For Inner Peace and Better Relationships

After posting about boundaries last week on my social media, I decided it was a subject worthy of creating a full blog piece as there are so many misconceptions of what boundaries are and aren’t and whether they are helpful or hindering (which often changes depending on the side of the boundary you are on). 

Boundaries are limits or guidelines that help us determine what is acceptable to us in terms of behaviours, relationships, and personal space, in terms of both ourselves and others.  When set correctly, they help protect us with regards to our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being by defining what we are and are not willing to tolerate, and are meant to help us maintain healthy relationships with both ourselves and others. 

Boundary work is a form of self-care but should never be done lackadaisically. It is a process that not only involves establishing clear limits and expectations with ourselves and others but also requires thought around what we are hoping to accomplish through setting the boundary, the pros and cons of the boundary we are wanting to set, how we will communicate our boundary, strategies for dealing with potential kickback (which there often is in early stages), and how we plan to enforce our boundary.

So how do we know that we are lacking healthy boundaries?  Although this can look different for everyone, there are some telltale signs to watch out for:

Experiencing lots of resentment and anger.

Resentment and anger that remains constant or that is triggered by similar situations repeatedly could be a sign that you are dealing with unmet needs and can look like saying something is ok, even when it is not.

Saying yes to things you don’t have the time for (overextending yourself) or just don’t want to do.

Being kind and open minded is beautiful but always be honest with yourself and others.  If there are things you really don’t want to do or don’t have the time to do, it is ok to say no.  Not having boundaries around our own needs has us putting other people’s needs above our own and can show up as feeling unsatisfied, overwhelmed, or burnt out.

Waiting for other people to figure out what it is that you want or need or doing what other people want without considering your own needs.

Your needs are your responsibility.  No one should be expected to be a mind reader, so if you want something, ask for it directly without beating around the bush, but also understand when someone says no.  It is empowering to be able to identify your own needs and ask for support when it is needed.  This can show up like not being able to make decisions on your own or not knowing what your own needs are.

Spending money or lending money without considering your finances or doing that even when you know you cannot afford it.

Wanting to help someone is a great quality but should not be done at a detriment to yourself.  Your first responsibility is to yourself, so make sure that at least your basic needs can be met first.

Telling people what is best for them and/or giving unsolicited advice.

People have different ways of thinking, feeling, being, and doing What is best for one person, may not be best for another.  You may have something you want to share that you feel may be helpful to someone, but it can be good practice to first check in to see if they want to hear it. It would also be important here to note that just because you have been asked for advice or someone says they are open to your advice, does not mean they are obliged to take it. 

Oversharing or under sharing.

Both can indicate a lack of boundary.  Under sharing is often a sign that we do not feel safe sharing with someone, so the question becomes what do we need in order to feel safe?  Oversharing on the other hand, can show that we are the ones lacking personal boundaries when we share too much information too quickly or inappropriately.

Seeing differences as a threat.

Again, we all do things differently, and perceive things in different ways.  These differences are normal, so when we notice that we feel threatened or overwhelmed by the differences we notice, it could be an indication of lacking respect for individual autonomy or the need for control.  This can also be a sign of emotional enmeshment.

Difficulty accepting “no”.

Everyone is entitled to decide for themselves what they are or are not willing to do.  When we lack boundaries here, this might show up like being pushy, coercing, or even manipulating a situation.

Feeling the need to “fix” other people or putting the responsibility of their well-being onto yourself.

Although this can feel like it is coming from a place of goodness, when we cross this boundary, we are overstepping and preventing the other person from owning or making their own choices and taking care of themselves.  This might even take opportunities for learning and growth away from them.  This can also show up as feeling the need to rescue others or apologizing for things that are not your fault.

Loss of identity.

This can be an indication that we have become too concerned with the opinions of others, and have lost sight of our own needs, values, beliefs and sense of self.

Types of Boundaries:

Understanding the different types of boundaries helps us to think about and define behaviours that we feel are acceptable or unacceptable to our well-being and can often bring up the question of “how much?”.  Although there are many different types of boundaries, these would be what I believe are the top 8:

Emotional Boundaries

·      Understanding an individual’s rights to have their own thoughts and feelings.

·      Respecting each other’s rights to their own thoughts and feelings no matter how

different they are from your own.

·      Understanding how much emotional investment we are willing to put into someone

or something.

·      Understanding our emotional limits.

·      Being responsible for our own emotions and emotional regulation.

Physical Boundaries

·      Understanding our own physical limits and implementing what we need to take care

of that, like rest, self-care, exercise, food, water, and personal space.

·      Understanding what feels right by us in terms of physical touch.

·      Protecting our personal space by understanding who we are willing to let into it.

Sexual Boundaries

·      Knowing what type of sexual intimacy and limits around sexual intimacy that you are

ok with and clearly defining that to others.

·      Being able to ask for the type of sexual intimacy you would like.

Intellectual and Conversational Boundaries

·      Having your own thought, ideas, opinions and beliefs and staying true to them.

·      Respecting the same in others.

·      Setting limits on uncomfortable or heated discussions when you are feeling out of

control.

Time Boundaries

·      Deciding what you will spend your time on.

·      Knowing how much time you are willing to spend on something.

·      Being able to set limits on the amount of time you give to others or spend on

something.

·      Being on time.

Material and Financial Boundaries

·      Protecting what is yours.

·      Putting limits on how much you are willing to share with or give to others.

·      Establishing rules around lending and borrowing.

·      Making your own financial decisions without opinion or pressure.

Spiritual or Religious Boundaries

·      The right to believe in and practice the faith that speaks to you, without interference

or judgement.

·      Defining how and where you will practice your spiritual or religious beliefs.

Work Boundaries

·      Understanding healthy professional practices that consider a good work life balance.

·      Understanding what you are and are not willing to do.

As you can see, there is a lot to consider when it comes to boundaries, and no one needs to do this work alone.  A mental health counsellor can facilitate the thorough introspection needed for healthy boundary setting, as well as helping with the effective communication skills needed to assertively and kindly express your boundaries to others.  They can also help you to feel reassured in your thinking while helping you to navigate shifts in dynamics as well as emotions that come up around setting them, like loneliness, guilt, fear of rejection.

Boundary work can feel difficult in the beginning, but that short term pain paves way for much less emotional chaos and greater inner peace going forward.

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